Day Sixteen

My ankle was very sore when I woke but as I had an appointment booked with my personal trainer, I knew I had to go. Thankfully she was very gentle with me, we did lots of stretches and moves that didn't involve my ankle and it felt good to be able to do something.

I should have gone straight home to rest afterwards but I went to the shops to get some food and by the time I got back, my ankle was even more swollen so I stayed at home for the rest of the day watching DVDs and keeping the ankle elevated.

Breakfast – Smoothie of coconut cream, banana, raw egg, cacao powder, salt

Mid morning - Coffee

Lunch – Buttered spelt sourdough toast

Dinner – Sausages with parsnip chips and sautéed onions, raw chocolate

Day Fifteen – Mini Challenge

Today I had an accident. I rolled my ankle and fell down hard on the pavement. It’s the same ankle that I sprained only 6 months ago and it has been weak ever since. I now have a badly swollen ankle and am limping around with a bad graze on my knee too. I was on my way to an appointment which I did keep but I came straight home afterwards and had it elevated for the rest of the day.

It’s going to affect the work I’ve been doing with the personal trainer and I’m also not sure if I’ll be able to hobble into the city on Sunday to see some friends I’m supposed to be meeting which will be frustrating as I really wanted to push myself to do it. I’m also going on holiday in a week and will be really annoyed if its not all healed by then!

I am seeing the personal trainer in the morning so will see what she suggests. I have warned her about it and she has already been full of advice so I’m sure she’ll have some ideas on how to get round the problem to still be able to do a workout!

Breakfast – Smoothie of coconut cream, banana, raw egg, cacao powder, salt

Mid morning – Coffee

Lunch – Vegetable and haloumi frittata with buttered spelt sourdough toast

Dinner – Leftover beef mince and vegetable bolognese, raw chocolate

Day Fourteen – Mini Challenge

Two weeks of my three week challenge down and after a bumpy start, I’m feeling much more at ease with it again now. My meals are quite repetitive but as I’m still on my own with my man overseas, I’m finding that making big batches of food which lasts 2-3 meals is so much easier!

Breakfast – Coffee then a smoothie of coconut cream, banana, raw egg, cacao powder, salt

Mid morning – Coffee

Lunch – Onion soup

Dinner – Leftover beef and vegetable bolognese with grated cheese, couple of spoonfuls of cream

Day Thirteen – Mini Challenge

A public holiday here in Australia  for Anzac Day so I had planned a lie in and a lazy day. Forgetting that I live around the corner from the local RSL though who of course had a dawn service, I was woken at 6am by music, trumpets and eventually the national anthem! Still, it enabled me to feel like I had joined in even if from the luxury of my bed!

It was a windy and chilly day but there wasn’t a cloud in the sky and the sun was shining. I went for a walk along the beach late morning and enjoyed the warmth of the sun and a coffee. Then it was home for some cooking, cleaning and airing out the flat.

I made my Mum’s onion soup for the first time ever, using homemade chicken stock and lovely caramelised onions. I ate it for lunch to warm up and it reminded me so much of my childhood! Yum!

Breakfast – A sweet omelette with chopped banana and a dollop of cream

Mid morning – Coffee

Lunch – Onion soup with a small amount of grated cheese

Dinner - Beef mince and vegetable bolognese with grated cheese

Day Twelve – Mini Challenge

Breakfast – Coffee, then smoothie of berries, coconut cream, avocado, raw egg, cacao powder, salt

Mid morning – Coffee

Lunch – Chicken and parmesan salad, small piece of raw chocolate

Snack – Spoonful of cream

Dinner – Sausages with parsnip chips and steamed zucchini

Day Eleven – Mini Challenge

Last night I went to a Wake Up Sydney event and watched the film Finding Joe. It’s a documentary about living a more inspired and fulfilling life and I took 2 friends from work with me. We all walked out ready to hand our notices in the very next day and go off to follow our bliss! We had a lovely Thai meal before the film and it was good to see them both outside of work and realise how much we get on. It was surprisingly ‘easy’ and I wasn’t anxious at all.

Breakfast – Coffee then a smoothie of avocado, banana, raw egg, cacao powder,salt

Mid morning – Coffee

Lunch – Leftover chicken and vegetable stir fry

Snack – Homemade raspberry muffin and cream

Dinner – Thai meal out and we shared a chicken coconut curry, a beef and vegetable stir fry and a lamb noodle dish. I only had a small amounts of each knowing that thai food is typically full of palm sugar and I kept to very small amounts of noodles and rice and tried to stick ,more to the veg! We also shared a bottle of red wine.

Day Ten - Mini Challenge

Day Ten is here already which means I'm nearly half way through this mini 21 day challenge. At the end of it I am going on holiday for a week and I certainly plan to stay on track whilst I'm away but perhaps relax some of the options slightly as I'm sure we will be eating out lots.

I'm feeling really pleased that I have managed to have a very good week of eating since the binge last weekend and that I haven't let it affect the rest of the challenge or be an excuse to continue with the bad food.

I was up fairly early and after a cup of tea at home I wandered down to the beach in the sunshine. It was lovely and warm so I did a barefoot walk through the sand and practiced rolling my foot in the way the personal trainer suggested to help strengthen my ankle (I sprained it last year and it's been weak ever since).

I popped back home for a shower and a quick smoothie before nipping out to the shops. Then it was back home for an early lunch before catching the bus into the city to meet a friend for a drink at the Opera Bar.

Breakfast - Smoothie of banana, coconut cream, cacao powder and salt

Lunch - Vegetable and haloumi frittata with a slice of buttered spelt sourdough toast

Mid afternoon - Coffee, glass of red wine

Dinner - Chicken thigh stirfry with vegetable noodles and a coconut and tahini sauce

Day Nine – Mini Challenge

My first personal training was early morning and it was great. I was a bit intimidated walking into the studio and seeing there were other people there who would see what I was doing and then when I found out a trainee would be sitting in with my session too, I was very nervous! But it was fine and I learnt moves to specifically help strengthen my back and my core and to open up my chest and help me breath better. I managed to do everything ok and to laugh when things were hard and I’m looking forward to getting fitter and stronger.

It was then home for a quick change and then back out to the shopping centre where I met a work colleague for a coffee for a bit too. We’ve never met socially before but I’ve been very open with her about my anxiety and it was actually good fun to have a good catch up outside of work. We even did a bit of shopping together afterwards and she helped me pick out my new swiss exercise ball.

Breakfast – Smoothie of coconut cream, raw egg, raspberries, cacao powder, salt

Snack – Coffee

Mid afternoon snack – Buttered spelt sourdough toast

Dinner – Sausages with parsnip chips and sautéed onions and zucchini, raw chocolate

Day Eight – Mini Challenge

Breakfast – Smoothie of coconut cream, mixed berries, raw egg, cacao powder, salt

Snack – Coffee

Lunch – Haloumi, roast squash and walnut salad with lemon juice dressing

Snack – Homemade raspberry muffin with dollop of cream

Dinner – Left over chicken stir fry from yesterday

Day Seven – Mini Challenge

Breakfast – Coffee followed by a smoothie of coconut cream, mixed berries, raw egg, cacao powder, salt

Snack – Coffee

Lunch – Haloumi, roasted squash and walnut salad with lemon juice dressing, homemade raspberry muffin

Snack – Spoonful of cream

Dinner – Amazing chicken, egg and vegetable stir fry with zucchini noodles and a sauce made from coconut cream, macadamia nut butter, garlic, ginger and fresh coriander

Day Six – Mini Challenge

The today was supposed to start with my very first personal training session but the trainer cancelled last night so I have to wait until Saturday. Can’t say it was the worst outcome as the rain in Sydney was torrential and relentless so I stayed at home working whilst drinking tea and keeping dry!

Unfortunately the rain delayed my organic vegetable box delivery until mid afternoon. That meant that the lunch ingredients I was waiting on were also delayed and as the fridge was empty I ended up with toast – again – as I was so hungry!

Breakfast – Haloumi, onion and grated zucchini frittata

Lunch – 2 slices of buttered spelt sourdough toast

Dinner – Beef and vegetable casserole with parsnip chips, a few chunks of raw chocolate

Day Five – Mini Challenge

It took me so long to get home after an appointment across town by the time I got home was so unmotivated to cook that I coped out and ended up with toast. Not quite what I had planned but it filled the hole!

Breakfast – Smoothie of raspberries, coconut cream, raw egg, cacao powder, salt

Snack - Coffee

Lunch – Left over pork and vegetable bolognese with some grated cheese, homemade raspberry muffin

Snack – Coffee

Dinner – 2 slices of buttered spelt sourdough toast

Day Four – Mini Challenge

Today I went to see a personal trainer who was recommended to me by my naturopath. I was with her for 2 1/2 hours and we did all sorts of assessments and checks on my posture and how my body moves. It was extensive and thorough but I liked it and it filled me with confidence that this wasn't going to be a hard core chronic cardio type of thing.

We talked at length about my situation and especially more heart condition and I felt reassured by the process and suggestions made.

The hardest bit for me was standing in my bra and shorts whilst she took photos and even filmed me moving! Totally embarrassing and uncomfortable although I have to say, she did make me feel very at ease which helped a lot!

I am looking forward to working with her to build some strength in both my back and core, learn to breathe better and gain more energy. Session one is later this week!

Breakfast - Smoothie of mixed berries, coconut cream, raw egg, cacao powder, salt

Snack - Coffee

Lunch - Leftover chicken and squash curry that I grabbed from the freezer

Snack - Coffee

Dinner - Leftover pork and vegetable mince with grated cheese, dollop of quality cream for dessert

Day Three – Mini Challenge

I should know by now but leaving leftover binge food in the house overnight is never a good idea. It's too tempting. Whilst I was able to pull the ice cream out the freezer and throw the last of it down the sink, two chocolate cookies were eaten before breakfast. Like yesterday, that's hard for me write and admit. But it's true. The last two cookies however, I did throw out.

I (over) analysed my binge all day and I have decided to note down 2 'justifications' I used to reason why a binge was ok.

Firstly that I knew I was seeing a new personal trainer on Monday and therefore decided that that would refocus me but I might as well eat junk food until then.

Secondly, I knew that nobody would be angry at me if I admitted I went off plan. I knew that anybody I chose to tell would be sympathetic and tell me not to feel guilty etc. Because of this it felt like I was 'allowed' to binge, that people would be supportive and therefore it was ok to do it.

Crazy looking back on these excuses now. Neither of them make any sense when I think about what I am trying to achieve for myself. The binge monster swept in though and in that moment, I couldn't find the space to say no.

Instead of allowing this to dictate the rest of the challenge I am still set on completing it as I said yesterday. And after the two early morning cookies, I did thankfully eat some healthier food!

Breakfast - Two chocolate cookies then a few hours later I had a big breakfast of 2 sausages and 2 eggs on sourdough toast

Snack - Coffee

Dinner - Homemade pork mince and vegetable bolognese served with roast parsnip. I grated on some organic cheese after I took the photo.

Day Two – Mini Challenge

This is really hard to admit and write but unfortunately Day Two was less than good. Old habits and thoughts crept back in and despite the success of my first two challenges, being on a third one was not enough to stop a binge. I feel disappointed and frustrated by it but I have also felt it coming if I’m honest.

I had no plans for the day and yet I didn't feel like calling anyone or doing anything. I know from experience that this can be destructive but I have managed these situations many times over the last 3 months so thought I would be fine.

I knew I felt like comfort food which is why I chose cheese on toast for lunch but I needed to pop to the shops in the afternoon and despite having no intentions to binge or buy any processed foods, that’s exactly what I bought. There was a long internal dialogue and many excuses to justify my actions went through my mind as I tried to find reasons not to do it but I ended up with both cookies and ice cream in my basket which I bought home and grazed on for the rest of the day. Even after I felt sick I kept going.

I’m not quite sure what to say about it. I’ve seen it happen so many times and am deeply frustrated that it has happened again. I know that being on my own at home can be a trigger for me but my social anxiety often means I prefer it that way if it means avoiding people. It can feel very catch 22.

I am hoping to move on from this and continue on the positive food path I had been on so I plan on finishing this challenge regardless. One binge does not have to mean it’s over I guess and I’m going to try to see this as an opportunity to look at my thoughts and actions and to maybe learn something further about my behaviour.

Breakfast – Sweet raspberry omelette with shredded coconut and a dollop of cream

Lunch – Organic cheese on spelt sourdough toast

Other  - Ice cream and chocolate cookies

Day One – Mini Challenge

Breakfast – Smoothie made from mixed berries, avocado, raw egg, coconut oil, salt, cacao powder

Snack – Coffee

Lunch – Beef burger patty with salad

Snack – Homemade raspberry muffin, coffee

Dinner – Left over chicken and vegetable stir fry with a coconut sauce and zucchini noodles

Snack – 85% dark chocolate

Where I've been and where I'm going

For the last few weeks, I’ve not been writing on this blog every day like I had done for the previous 9 weeks or so. The first challenge I set myself was helped greatly by tracking my eating out in the open on my blog so, when I started Challenge 2, I saw no reason to discontinue daily writing.

However, somewhere about half way through challenge 2, I stopped writing daily, partly due to being ill and partly I realised because I had more or less achieved what I had set out to do and that was to get into the rhythm of eating whole foods and cut out the junk. My meals were quite repetitive and keeping the blog became less motivational. I wouldn’t say that every day was easy or that I didn’t sometimes feel drawn to unhealthy choices but ultimately I had got into a routine and was able to come up with healthier versions of comfort foods when I needed them and not be tempted by old habits or foods in the same ways as before.

Challenge 2 came to an end and I completed it without too many problems. About a week before it finished my man went to Asia for 5-6 weeks. He’s still there now and will be for another few weeks. The day he left I struggled not to binge and it stayed that way for a few days but somehow I saw the challenge through and completed it.

12 weeks of no bingeing – that’s HUGE. Monumental actually. And yet I didn’t really appreciate the achievement at the time. In fact I hardly even acknowledged it.

And then over the Easter weekend I went to Melbourne. I went by myself to do some sightseeing and to challenge myself by getting out of my safety zone of home. Turns out though the reality of staying in a hotel in the middle of a city for 3 days is quite isolating. The idea of it was quite indulgent - doing my own thing, exploring a new place, taking photos, walking everywhere, stopping for a coffee or glass of wine beside the river – it all sounded quite appealing. After a couple of days though, I was ready to go home. At times I was quite bored I guess and getting so far out of a routine made me want to eat. Being on my own I felt less like eating at nice places where the healthier choices often are and more like treating myself to foods I had steered clear of for 3 months. I’ll admit I ate fries and loved them. I had some chocolate dessert which made me feel sick. And I ate a lot of bread. No binges, just choices that I hadn’t made in a while and foods I had been planning to avoid. And sadly I felt disappointed in myself. I had found a confidence in the routine of whole foods eating and then suddenly felt quite unsettled by the lack of routine in Melbourne.

Then Easter Monday came, I was back in Sydney and I found myself in the shops buying a bag of 6 chocolate cookies. Again, I’m not quite sure if I would class it as a binge but I did eat nearly all of them as soon as I got home and I didn’t even enjoy them.

Since Monday I have managed to get back ‘on track’ if you like and am settling back into the routine of home again. It’s tough for me to acknowledge these ‘slips’ from whole foods but I think this has a lot to do with having had such disordered eating for over 14 years that I have lost touch with what is ‘normal’ when it comes to food and eating. My ‘slips’ as I call them are probably, to most people, nothing more than a bit of indulgence, a bit of a treat and quite 'normal' in the grand scheme of things. They are not necessarily the start of a spiral out of control or a return to binge eating and I therefore should not feel disappointed or guilty. It’s what I do MOST of the time that counts. I don't need to be 100% perfect 100% of the time.

That being said I have decided to set myself a new mini challenge. I just want to be sure that I don’t use my ‘slips’ as an excuse to carry on slipping. I have certainly used this as an excuse in the past, telling myself that a little bit more won’t hurt and before I know it I’m back to junk food and binge eating. I am setting myself a mini challenge of 3 weeks which will take me up to my holiday. (Technically my holiday might start in only 2 weeks in which case the challenge may get cut short but it’s unclear at the moment when my man will be home and therefore when my holiday will start!).

I would also like to restart the blog to help me refocus with this challenge and I plan on keeping a food log and noting my progress as before. I’ll be back tomorrow for details of Day One!