For the last few weeks, I’ve not been writing on this blog every day like I had done for the previous 9 weeks or so. The first challenge I set myself was helped greatly by tracking my eating out in the open on my blog so, when I started Challenge 2, I saw no reason to discontinue daily writing.
However, somewhere about half way through challenge 2, I stopped writing daily, partly due to being ill and partly I realised because I had more or less achieved what I had set out to do and that was to get into the rhythm of eating whole foods and cut out the junk. My meals were quite repetitive and keeping the blog became less motivational. I wouldn’t say that every day was easy or that I didn’t sometimes feel drawn to unhealthy choices but ultimately I had got into a routine and was able to come up with healthier versions of comfort foods when I needed them and not be tempted by old habits or foods in the same ways as before.
Challenge 2 came to an end and I completed it without too many problems. About a week before it finished my man went to Asia for 5-6 weeks. He’s still there now and will be for another few weeks. The day he left I struggled not to binge and it stayed that way for a few days but somehow I saw the challenge through and completed it.
12 weeks of no bingeing – that’s HUGE. Monumental actually. And yet I didn’t really appreciate the achievement at the time. In fact I hardly even acknowledged it.
And then over the Easter weekend I went to Melbourne. I went by myself to do some sightseeing and to challenge myself by getting out of my safety zone of home. Turns out though the reality of staying in a hotel in the middle of a city for 3 days is quite isolating. The idea of it was quite indulgent - doing my own thing, exploring a new place, taking photos, walking everywhere, stopping for a coffee or glass of wine beside the river – it all sounded quite appealing. After a couple of days though, I was ready to go home. At times I was quite bored I guess and getting so far out of a routine made me want to eat. Being on my own I felt less like eating at nice places where the healthier choices often are and more like treating myself to foods I had steered clear of for 3 months. I’ll admit I ate fries and loved them. I had some chocolate dessert which made me feel sick. And I ate a lot of bread. No binges, just choices that I hadn’t made in a while and foods I had been planning to avoid. And sadly I felt disappointed in myself. I had found a confidence in the routine of whole foods eating and then suddenly felt quite unsettled by the lack of routine in Melbourne.
Then Easter Monday came, I was back in Sydney and I found myself in the shops buying a bag of 6 chocolate cookies. Again, I’m not quite sure if I would class it as a binge but I did eat nearly all of them as soon as I got home and I didn’t even enjoy them.
Since Monday I have managed to get back ‘on track’ if you like and am settling back into the routine of home again. It’s tough for me to acknowledge these ‘slips’ from whole foods but I think this has a lot to do with having had such disordered eating for over 14 years that I have lost touch with what is ‘normal’ when it comes to food and eating. My ‘slips’ as I call them are probably, to most people, nothing more than a bit of indulgence, a bit of a treat and quite 'normal' in the grand scheme of things. They are not necessarily the start of a spiral out of control or a return to binge eating and I therefore should not feel disappointed or guilty. It’s what I do MOST of the time that counts. I don't need to be 100% perfect 100% of the time.
That being said I have decided to set myself a new mini challenge. I just want to be sure that I don’t use my ‘slips’ as an excuse to carry on slipping. I have certainly used this as an excuse in the past, telling myself that a little bit more won’t hurt and before I know it I’m back to junk food and binge eating. I am setting myself a mini challenge of 3 weeks which will take me up to my holiday. (Technically my holiday might start in only 2 weeks in which case the challenge may get cut short but it’s unclear at the moment when my man will be home and therefore when my holiday will start!).
I would also like to restart the blog to help me refocus with this challenge and I plan on keeping a food log and noting my progress as before. I’ll be back tomorrow for details of Day One!
No comments:
Post a Comment